Tag: family

Father’s Day musings

From an early age, I wanted to have children someday. Yet at the same time, I wondered if I could be a good parent. When I was in grad school, I got to know a couple who seemed to be doing an exceptional job at parenting. One day, I asked the mom her secret. She said something like, “I don’t ever pretend to be anything but human.” She was honest with her kids about her ups and downs, her shortcomings.

That may be the best single piece of parenting advice I ever got, and I’ve tried to remember it. A veneer of perfection doesn’t work. Own mistakes. Apologize for them. Learn from them.

Along the way, I’ve developed some additional — correlating — strategies. I certainly don’t claim to be an expert, just someone who has taken an empathetic approach to the responsibilities of parenting.

Near the top of the list is: Affirm your children. There are opportunities to do so in matters big and small.

Don’t talk down to them. Offer honest, age-appropriate answers to their questions.

Spend time with them. This time needs to include reading to them beginning when they are infants.

Always make sure they know you love them.

Try to avoid being arbitrary. Strive for consistency. This isn’t always easy, but keep at it.

Also difficult but important: Teach them to do what’s right, because it’s the right thing to do, not to avoid punishment. Don’t teach just by talking. Be a role model.

Another thing that’s tricky is finding a balance between doing enough and not doing too much for them, being protective but not overly protective. Certainly, if there’s a danger, you step in and take charge. But there are also times when it may be best to give them room to take initiative. They need to feel accomplishment; they can learn from mistakes.

One-hundred-percent success in parenting is not guaranteed. It’s not even possible. When falling short on any of these goals, it’s a good idea to accept being human. Learn and carry on.

As I look back, I see my own failings as the toughest part of raising my children. It’s too easy to recall specific incidences in which I could’ve done a better job. Or maybe I couldn’t have, but I wish I had.

This feeling is easily mitigated, however, by looking — objectively — at the fantastic adults my children are today. And, notably, this includes their being great parents. I’ve said, often and recently, “I must’ve done something right.”

Further, an advantage of now being in the looking-back stage is that selective memory takes over. Memories of unpleasant aspects retreat to the background. Many good times — and overall joy — are what I remember most.

Perfect happiness

(In a different context, my offspring have been asking me random questions. Back in the spring, one was, “What is your idea of perfect happiness?” This is my answer.)

I experience perfect happiness at the start of almost every day. I sip fresh coffee, beginning in the pre-dawn stillness and through the coming of the light. Often enough I see the sun itself appear. When at the beach, I am out for each day’s sunrise.

It’s interesting this question popped up this week. For the first time in 16 months — a break necessitated by the COVID-19 pandemic — I just got to visit in person with my three granddaughters and their parents. Genuine hugs can bring perfect happiness, especially after so long.

Or maybe a better word here is joy. I did a little research. Happiness results from external causes. When happiness gets into your soul, joy is engendered.

When I think of moments of perfect happiness, among the first thoughts that come to mind are holding one’s child or grandchild and being together with family or other loved ones in any of a variety of contexts.

Many years ago, a peer-counseling agency of which I was director had a journal in which anyone — staff, volunteers, clients — could write whatever was on their mind. One day I wrote a brief paragraph about sitting on my front stoop for an hour or more, holding my first-born while she slept. The afternoon sun warmed us just the right amount. Her tiny hand wrapped tightly around my finger. Much of my life was a struggle at that time, but for that moment — perfect happiness.

When I first read this question, I began to overthink it. “Perfect”? No matter how happy you feel, you know that high is not going to last forever. So how is that perfect? This led me to realize that one important reason it’s perfect is because it compels you to be completely in the moment. In that moment, it is not temporary because there is no tempus.

Another moment of perfect happiness that comes to mind took place about 65 or so years ago. My family had driven all day returning home from my grandparents — 550 miles in the days before interstate highways. I remember entering my room and collapsing onto my bed, caressing it. I chanted, or maybe just thought, “Oh my bed, my good ol’ bed” more than once, but probably not much more. Then it was morning.

Disney World claims to be “the happiest place in the world.” I’m sure a lot of other places would beg to differ, and I know it’s a marketing slogan, but I’ve certainly had a lot of moments of perfect happiness there. A key element is sharing the experience with people you love.

Petting a dog is a scientifically-proven source of happiness.

Also music. Countless times, listening to or performing music has enabled me to experience perfect happiness. Or, as with other experiences cited, joy.