Tag: forgiveness

Forgiveness — the next step

Some months ago, I wrote on post on “Forgiveness,” a topic with which I’ve continually struggled, despite my upbringing and professional training.   I consulted more resource material than I have when writing any other blog post.  Probably more than I’ve used writing anything since graduate school.  (And I listed them at the end of the essay.) 

After some didactic paragraphs, I shifted to some personal reflections.  I picked up on the point made by many experts that when we hang on to past hurts, it’s like “drinking of the poison that you intend for the other person.”  Forgiving them – whether they care or even know – can have a positive effect on our health and peace of mind.   I shared:

I am finding it helpful to identify the anger I feel about certain occurrences. In reflecting on past hurts that linger, I am starting to realize, “Oh, that’s someone I need to forgive.”   I am working toward the next step: in fact forgiving them.

Among the places I’ve identified anger, in varying degrees, are some of my blog posts.  I’ve started owning that anger, but the step between “Oh, that’s someone I need to forgive” and “I forgive you” is by no means a small one.   Still, I’m going to give it a try, even if it is, at best, akin to “faking it till you make it.” 

I wrote in one post about an intense summer in which the negative experiences outweighed the positive ones, and the “highest highs weren’t as high as our lowest lows were low.”  One reason for writing about it was to try to confront and deal with negative feelings that have stayed with me.  Now, to those who played a part in nurturing those feelings, I say, I forgive you. 

There’s a post about a job interview experience that wasn’t handled well and another about how not to be a good house guest.  To the people whose actions I described in both, I forgive you.

 An honest reading of other posts has revealed traces of anger: some comments I reported in two posts about grammar and in another about a play, two people whose misunderstandings of my attempts to be innovative in my ministry amounted to putdowns, unhelpful people running “service” stations, and other complaints buried in some posts though tangential to the subject.  That totals quite a few people.  One by one, I forgive you.

Again, I am not offering forgiveness to try to make myself look better but rather to help myself feel better.

Here’s one with which to wrap up.  I wrote one post about being “ghosted” – i.e., having people with whom you’d been close suddenly disappear from your life. This one also includes resource material describing the phenomenon and offering ways to deal with it.  I interspersed fictionalized examples.  While it is, by definition, unlikely anyone who inspired these examples will ever read my blog, I am saying here to four specific people: I miss you, but I forgive you.

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Postscript: I don’t doubt that various rants will creep into some future posts.  I’ll try to be aware of new opportunities for forgiveness.

Forgiveness

If someone wrongs you, then later offers a sincere apology, it can be possible, if not easy to accept the apology and move on – i.e., forgive them.  But what if they never do their part to make things right?   Then you find yourself in the murky area of forgiveness, which seems to be a vast, perplexing area.

Can you forgive someone who doesn’t ask for forgiveness?  Maybe they don’t know or accept that they need it.  Maybe they know but don’t want it.   Would forgiving them absolve them?  

Even with a lifetime of attending church and studying the Bible, plus a master’s degree from a theological school that included training in pastoral counseling, I struggle with understanding “forgiveness.”  I suspect I’m not alone.  

In the Lord’s Prayer, we ask God to forgive us as we forgive those who wrong us.  If we expect God to forgive us, we should be willing to forgive others.  But there are differences between Divine forgiveness and human forgiveness. 

Believers see God’s forgiveness as unconditional, available to anyone who asks for it, regardless of the wrongdoings.  We are absolved of our sins and can start again with a clean slate.

We humans, though, are not divine.   When we attempt to forgive someone, emotional and psychological factors come into play.   We don’t necessarily want to let someone “off the hook.”   Yet the pain someone has caused us won’t go away while we remain angry.  Vengeful thoughts vex only us.  It’s the proverbial drinking of the poison that you intend for the other person.

You have to ask God for forgiveness but can be assured it will be granted.  If you ask another person for forgiveness, it might not be granted.  Also, a person might forgive someone who doesn’t ask for it.  In fact, it can be a good idea to do so, because that can get rid of that poison that is affecting only you.    

That in no way cleans their slate.  That’s not our job, even if it we wanted it to be.  What it does do is take away the power they have over you.  It allows you to recognize the pain you are feeling and to avoid (or stop) letting it define you. This can have a positive effect on your health and peace of mind, whether or not the other person ever understands and accepts that they have wronged you.

It is possible that forgiving someone may lead to understanding and empathy for them.  So much the better if it does, but even if it doesn’t, it’s still worthwhile to forgive, for all the good it can do you. 

What if the person you need to forgive is you yourself?

The health benefits of self-forgiveness are similar to those derived from forgiving others.   Yet, I doubt I’m the only person who sometimes finds it can be more difficult to forgive oneself. 

While getting another person to change is not a goal in forgiving them, self-forgiveness necessarily involves owning your wrongdoing and admitting that you might need to change.  That can be difficult, more so if you aren’t ready to change. 

Sometimes those not ready to change may choose to gloss over their behavior in a sort of artificial self-forgiveness.

Another cautionary note is that even true self-forgiveness can reduce one’s empathy for those they’ve wronged.  Just because you feel better doesn’t mean they do, too.   Experts recommend consciously practicing empathy with those we’ve hurt even as we forgive ourselves for doing so. 

Please note that people who unnecessarily blame themselves for something outside their control are not candidates for self-forgiveness.  They need to work on and let go of their unfounded guilt.   They may also need to forgive someone else. 

I am finding it helpful to identify the anger I feel about certain occurrences. In reflecting on past hurts that linger, I am starting to realize, “Oh, that’s someone I need to forgive.”   I am working toward the next step: in fact forgiving them.

If it’s something about which I am angry at myself, I sometimes remind myself, “That was X years ago.”  Whatever the time frame, I realize that no one else may even remember the incident and, even if someone does remember, it may well not make any difference to them now.  I also have begun to say to myself “It’s OK to make mistakes” or “You are not expected to be perfect” at appropriate times.

Forgiveness, whether of others or oneself, often is difficult. The degree of difficulty may depend on how bad the act hurt or how long the grudge has been held.  It takes work and practice.  Talking with someone, at least a trusted friend if not a professional is often a good idea.

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An internet search for “forgiveness” will yield a plethora of sources. Here are some I consulted:
— https://www.gotquestions.org/forgive-forgiven.html
—https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
—https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/forgiveness/definition#why-practice-forgiveness
—https://www.scripturesshare.com/what-is-gods-forgiveness-vs-human-forgiveness/
—https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-forgive-yourself-4583819
—https://www.bostonimp.com/post/the-link-between-forgiving-others-and-forgiving-yourself
This analysis of Don Henley’s song, “The Heart of the Matter,” which is about forgiveness, is interesting and may be helpful:
— https://melodyinsight.com/don-henley-the-heart-of-the-matter-lyrics-meaning/