Tag: letting go

Forgiveness — the next step

Some months ago, I wrote on post on “Forgiveness,” a topic with which I’ve continually struggled, despite my upbringing and professional training.   I consulted more resource material than I have when writing any other blog post.  Probably more than I’ve used writing anything since graduate school.  (And I listed them at the end of the essay.) 

After some didactic paragraphs, I shifted to some personal reflections.  I picked up on the point made by many experts that when we hang on to past hurts, it’s like “drinking of the poison that you intend for the other person.”  Forgiving them – whether they care or even know – can have a positive effect on our health and peace of mind.   I shared:

I am finding it helpful to identify the anger I feel about certain occurrences. In reflecting on past hurts that linger, I am starting to realize, “Oh, that’s someone I need to forgive.”   I am working toward the next step: in fact forgiving them.

Among the places I’ve identified anger, in varying degrees, are some of my blog posts.  I’ve started owning that anger, but the step between “Oh, that’s someone I need to forgive” and “I forgive you” is by no means a small one.   Still, I’m going to give it a try, even if it is, at best, akin to “faking it till you make it.” 

I wrote in one post about an intense summer in which the negative experiences outweighed the positive ones, and the “highest highs weren’t as high as our lowest lows were low.”  One reason for writing about it was to try to confront and deal with negative feelings that have stayed with me.  Now, to those who played a part in nurturing those feelings, I say, I forgive you. 

There’s a post about a job interview experience that wasn’t handled well and another about how not to be a good house guest.  To the people whose actions I described in both, I forgive you.

 An honest reading of other posts has revealed traces of anger: some comments I reported in two posts about grammar and in another about a play, two people whose misunderstandings of my attempts to be innovative in my ministry amounted to putdowns, unhelpful people running “service” stations, and other complaints buried in some posts though tangential to the subject.  That totals quite a few people.  One by one, I forgive you.

Again, I am not offering forgiveness to try to make myself look better but rather to help myself feel better.

Here’s one with which to wrap up.  I wrote one post about being “ghosted” – i.e., having people with whom you’d been close suddenly disappear from your life. This one also includes resource material describing the phenomenon and offering ways to deal with it.  I interspersed fictionalized examples.  While it is, by definition, unlikely anyone who inspired these examples will ever read my blog, I am saying here to four specific people: I miss you, but I forgive you.

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Postscript: I don’t doubt that various rants will creep into some future posts.  I’ll try to be aware of new opportunities for forgiveness.

A couple of ghost stories

Rick Richards had three co-workers, in different settings, with whom he had become close friends. Each one eventually moved away, though they returned to the area occasionally, which Rick would find out after that fact. They made no effort to get in touch with him when they did.

Two continued to send a Christmas card each year. One of those was a friend as part of a group of close friends.  When he’d be back for a day or two, he’d get together with one, sometimes two members of the group, but never Rick, even though Rick had known him longer than any of the others.

The other card-sender once was going to a local event that Rick might have been likely to attend. It would have made sense for the former colleague to email and ask, “Are you going to be there?” and maybe meet up for a brief face-to-face, but there was no such attempt.

The third had been a coworker in a service organization. This person never even sent Christmas cards, though Rick felt they had been even closer than he was with the two who did. When this person was back in the area, he also made no attempt to contact Rick. A couple of those visits, however, did include being at the same place at the same time as Rick.  Both times, he greeted Rick like a long-lost brother but otherwise made no contact at all.

Carl Carlton had a close friendship that began when he was in college. He and this person seemed to click immediately. They not only had mutual interests, but they also brought complementary characteristics into the relationship that helped both grow.

They stayed in close touch for many years. Carl and his wife invited the friend and spouse for visits around events all enjoyed.  The Carltons also arranged to stop by and see these friends a few times when traveling near their town.

Carl didn’t give it any further thought when one of those visits couldn’t happen because of the friend’s busy schedule.  But later when Carl and family showed up for a scheduled visit the other couple had forgotten about, it gave him pause.  In time, the other couple was too busy to visit Carl, no matter how appealing the itinerary might seem.

Communication had mostly been by phone to arrange to get together. When email came along, Carl was not able to get an address for them.

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The antagonists in my childhood nightmares were not ghosts. To me, ghosts were fanciful creatures, subjects of entertaining, even amusing stories. They were nothing like the ghosts many of us have come to know, and be haunted by, as adults.

These “ghosts” are people who suddenly disappear from your life.  This definition of “ghost” officially entered the Merriam-Webster dictionary in 2017, though the term can be found in use as far back as the 1990s.
Here’s another ghost story:
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Bill Williamson was, for many years, very close to someone in his extended family. There were letters and phone calls, then also emails and, in time, conversations on Facebook around something one or the other had posted. Bill and friend visited each other’s homes, despite the miles in between.  No invitation needed. 

There was a family event every two years near where the relative lived. For many years, Bill and his wife would spend a couple of days at her house before or after.  One year, though, the friend had other things going on and would not be able to have Bill and wife visit. Bill chalked it up to unavoidable scheduling. When the same thing happened two years later, Bill chose not to read anything in to it then, though eventually he would look back on it as the beginning of the end.

During this time, the two friends gained vacation homes, which were an easy day trip apart. There was vague talk about getting together, but nothing definite until a time when each would be at these homes and Bill said, we’ll be at our place on these dates and can come to yours on this day.

There was agreement, though Bill sensed some reluctance on the part of the other. Then just before the time arrived, he got a message with a lengthy list of all the reasons his friend couldn’t host him at that time.

It wasn’t simply saying “something’s come up” or “we’re overloaded,” maybe giving a brief example or two. It was too much like begging the question. As the list went on, the more tangential the excuses became.

The friend said maybe they could meet somewhere when things settled down a bit. (Meet “somewhere” – i.e., “not in my home.”) She said she’d be back in touch about it. Never happened. Rather abruptly, Facebook interactions stopped. The other person’s posts stopped showing up on Bill’s newsfeed, unless they were “public,” such as a new profile photo.  Comments and “likes” from her on Bill’s posts went from frequent to none.   Bill was still listed as a friend but wondered if he had been unfollowed.

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Individuals may naturally drift apart and mutually turn attention and affections elsewhere over time. Yet when the relationship, for whatever reason, ceases to work for one, though apparently not the other, the one who wants out may resort to what has come to be called “ghosting” — i.e., ceasing to communicate without any warning.

Most, if not all of us have done it — reached a point in some relationship where we chose, for whatever reason, just to let it drop. In a casual relationship, this ending may not be particularly troublesome for either party. In many cases, acquaintanceships come and go naturally. Yet the more you’re invested in a relationship, the more painful it can be when circumstances bring it to a close.  And it can be bewildering when a two-way street becomes a one-way street that becomes a dead end.

An internet search quickly turns up a lot of material on ghosting, written by psychologists, relationship experts and others.   Much of the discussion of ghosting focuses on romantic relationships, but it happens in friendships as well.    There’s agreement that ghosting reflects more on the ghost than the one being ghosted.  They choose an easy way to remove themselves from an uncomfortable situation.  It’s not the most emotionally mature choice.

Experts also suggest that we don’t try to reconnect with someone who has ghosted us.  If we do, there’s usually no response from them.  It’s important to remember, however, that a lack of a tangible response is, in fact, a response.

Sometimes, the ghosting is a gradual process, starting with “soft ghosting.”   They minimize contact progressively over time.  Fewer and fewer emails, texts or calls.  Bailing out more and more on plans to get together.

Many of us may identify with elements of the tales presented above. Ultimately, we can’t do anything about being ghosted.  We can just move on from extinct relationships. We can also try not to ghost other people.

If you are ghosted, try not to take it personally. It’s their pattern of behavior.  It’s not helpful for you to try to think up excuses for why they follow this pattern. We can’t control another’s actions. We do, however, control our own. Take time to be sad but then move on.  Devote your energy and attention to people who value you.