What I wish I’d said — one more example

In a couple of posts in the past*, I’ve written about those times we all have when we think of just the right thing to say in a given situation — sometime later. Here’s another such experience. It didn’t come to mind either time I addressed this topic previously. But it’s a good one, worth sharing now.

Two or three decades ago, there was a woman who was active in my church for a while. Like many others in the congregation and throughout the community where I live, she was from one of those fine states north of the Mason Dixon line. Unlike the vast majority of them, however, she had a chip on her shoulder about it.

It was difficult to tell if it was a superiority complex or defensiveness. Likely some of both and maybe more. Just as in the case of race, gender, national origin, etc., etc., we certainly don’t treat people differently based on where they’re from. Nonetheless, this person, bless her heart, felt a need to fly her regional flag defiantly.

During some committee meeting one evening — I don’t remember which committtee or what the topic was — she gave her thoughts on whatever we were discussing, then felt a need to add, “But I’m a damn yankee.”

Now, I don’t know if the 1955 Broadway musical “Damn Yankees” coined the term, but it did a lot to put it into general conversation. (The music, by the way, was composed by Richard Adler, a graduate of my alma mater, the University of North Carolina. He returned here to Chapel Hill to live in retirement.)

The antagonists of the story are the New York Yankees, who dominated baseball in those days. The protagonists were the Washington Senators — the ones who later became the Minnesota Twins, as opposed to the later version now known as the Texas Rangers. The Senators didn’t win a lot of games. Aging Joe Boyd, a loyal Senators fan, makes a pact with Devil (it’s based on the Faust legend) to shift this balance of power.

Even though I am a life-long Yankees fan, I am also a fan of this clever and excellent show, which has been made into a movie twice and enjoyed a Broadway revival in the 1990s.

So, in that meeting, when this person identified herself as a “damn yankee,” I naturally thought of the popular musical.

What I wanted to say, but couldn’t muster the courage to do so, was “You play baseball?”

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* “What I wish I’d said”: https://johnbecton.blog/2019/02/26/what-i-wish-id-said/
“What I wish I’d said — round two”: https://johnbecton.blog/2022/07/04/what-i-wish-id-said-round-two/

That 4-letter word

You see and hear the word frequently in the media and in casual conversation. This is especially true regarding sports and popular culture, though it crops up in other contexts as well. It’s my most unfavorite four-letter word: H. A. T. E.

Apparently, you’re either a “fan” or a “hater.” No other options. Why do we feel a need to be so extreme?

In the world of sports, more specifically college sports and, within that category, my alma mater vs. its archrival, I hear or read about “hate” almost daily. The word recently was in a newspaper headline. Yeah, of course I favor my alma mater. And, yes, I have some specific gripes with the archrival. But I don’t hate anyone or any group of people. I do very much dislike the way some people act. Many people enjoy good-natured trash talking (I am not one of them), but that’s rather different from just being crass and proud to be so. I very much dislike biased sports reporting. So a victory by my alma mater, at which the local paper take digs whenever possible, over the team our local paper clearly favors is that much more desirable. And, I very much dislike the way a former employer treated me. After I sweat blood and tears for the institution, I was chewed up and spit out. Yes, I am angry. That increases my lack-of-loyalty to athletic teams that represent the same institution. But I don’t hate anyone. (In fact, there are several people I appreciate a lot who came into my life while I worked there. And every athlete from there I’ve encountered on a personal basis has been a stand-up person.)

I don’t “hate to tell you” this. On the contrary, I am glad to tell you. I think it’s likely that’s what most people mean when they use that phrase. I doubt there’s any hate involved, just maybe some deception. It’s an example of the flippant use of this serious word.

Another flippant use that is puzzling it is “love to hate.” Well, it’s puzzling if you think about it, but who thinks about it? (Is that even possible?) More on this in a minute.

Maybe our overuse of the word “hate” reduces its power. That’s something to wish for. But another possibility is that our overuse is a sign that hatred is becoming more pervasive. I recently saw a comment on Facebook lamenting that there is so much “I hate this” in the posts and responses. I feel the same way. Perhaps overuse contributes to the pervasiveness.

Laziness could also be involved. People may find it easier just to use the H word than to be more precise: “I’m angry,” “I’m disappointed,” “I’m envious,” etc. More precise and maybe a little less antagonistic.

What about love vs. hate? Opposites? Certainly contrasting ways to react to another person. Yet, numerous sources say they are not opposite emotions. In fact, some experts say there is a thin line between these two powerful emotions. They propose that the opposite of love is indifference. Does that make hate seem a little less bad? Or does it note just how bad indifference is?

But I digress.

I am not suggesting that we never, ever utter the word “hate.” I also find it useful shorthand at times in innocuous situations. For example, “I hate when I drop something on the floor.” (“Stooping down to pick it up causes me orthopedic and balance problems.”) Or “I hate waiting in line.” (“A long wait is frustrating and standing a long time makes my back hurt.”) And the ever-popular “I hate when that happens.” (Meant as idiomatic humor.)

I just wish that we’d all be a little more conscious of and discerning about our use of this word. Especially when talking about other human beings. And maybe guard against letting it define us.

Alma Mater — Thoughts on team support and being true to one’s school

If I remember my Latin, “alma mater” means “beautiful mother.” In terms of where one went to school, I think we sometimes translate it as “foster mother” or maybe “nurturing mother.” In any case, the term connotes the special relationship with one’s school, esp. college.

A concept I sometimes have trouble explaining, especially to people who have “adopted” a team or teams from an institution they did not attend, is the difference between an alum and a mere fan. I have nothing against fans. Pulling for one team or the other is a big part of what makes sports exciting. However, I cheer for Tar Heel teams and want them to succeed, not so much because I am a fan, but because they represent the institution that was my home for four years as I evolved from a teenager into an adult. Yet the athletic programs of UNC (or UNC-CH, if you must) do not define my entire relationship with the University. Nor does my relationship with UNC, though significant, define my entire being.

I wear school colors when I attend games (just as I wear Hurricanes colors when I attend NHL games). At other times, when I happen to wear a light blue, it’s because that’s what came up in the rotation. And it likely is not Carolina blue. (That is a specific color on the Pantone chart, darker than your average light blue dress shirt. Similarly, the darker blue of a nearby institution is also specified on the chart and is lighter than Navy blue.) When I wear other colors, it’s for the same reason, not to make a statement. I drive a red car, not to show loyalty to the Hurricanes (or disloyalty to UNC), but simply because I like brightly-colored cars. So far as I know, no person or organization owns any color.

From time to time when someone learns I live in the Chapel Hill area, they assume that automatically means I am a UNC fan. I explain that there are people living here who went to various schools and pull for them. I go on to note that I am a UNC graduate and would be loyal to my alma mater wherever I lived. It’s not because I live here or, for that matter, because I once worked at UNC.

Some people seem to begin pushing their offspring toward their alma maters almost from birth. What we have tried to instill in our children is to find a college where they can have the kind of experience we did, wherever that might be. We even encouraged them not to go to UNC, but rather to get away from the place in which they had lived their entire lives to that point. Two ended up deciding on UNC. The reasons they decided to do so were compelling, but were not because of parental expectations.

It seems that the more loyalty one has to one’s own school, the less he/she needs to put down others’. That’s the “cheer for your team, not against the other” theory. I don’t think it builds up my alma mater to insult others. In fact, I think it may reflect badly on it.

I’m somewhat bemused by the individual who talks as if he/she thinks everyone should be fans of his/her team. What would it be like if everyone supported the same team? What would be the point in competition? Indeed, would there be any sports competition?

I know other people see things differently. This is just a brief outline of what I believe on this subject. I realize it means that I choose not to play some popular games (i.e., trash talking) others seem to enjoy. For that I do not apologize.

There are some places where you can get cut if you say something bad about someone’s mother. You won’t hear me say something bad about your alma mater, not however because I fear you will cut me, but simply out of respect. I hope others feel about their alma maters — especially undergrad, because that it such a formative time of one’s life — as I do about mine, regardless of where they live or work. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t.