Growing up, most of us learned how to be polite and gracious to other people. Pretty much everyone I know seems to have the basics down, especially when visiting in others’ homes. Yet, it still happens, so I am told, that some guests find ways to be annoying.
Here are some purely hypothetical situations in which a guest might ensure they won’t be invited back — specific examples from which we all might extrapolate general lessons.
For instance, someone who tends to carry a chip on their shoulder might do well to leave that chip in their car during the visit.
Another example that comes to mind is trash talking. Some people enjoy engaging in this banter. Some don’t. If the guest is the former, it’s probably a good idea to make sure the host isn’t the latter.
But what if it goes beyond banter, and value judgments enter in? Say you happen to mention, in casual dinner conversation, that you are a fan of a certain professional sports team. Then, the person you’ve welcomed into your home suddenly looks and sounds incredulous as they ask if you used to live where that team is based. The look turns to angry when you say, no, you just always liked the team.
As you redirect the conversation back to its original track, which others at the table seem to follow, that one person’s glare reminds you of the way an aging chihuahua looks just before attempting to bite. Not a good look for anyone, but especially a house guest. I suppose something like this could happen. I don’t know.
Or maybe someone comes into your home, sees a work of art and launches into an unsolicited explanation of it, implying you are clueless on the subject. Maybe they proclaim something that (they think) makes them sound learned, offering information that may not be well known to the general population, but which someone who owns the artwork likely would know. Such a pronouncement might be contrary to what most of us learned about manners from our parents.
That one may fall in the “shoulder chip” category, which brings to mind another tip. Say, the guest is from a different, though delightful area of our great nation. If they speak with a distinct, maybe even jarring accent, yet make fun of the way people speak in the area in which they are visiting, that can get tiresome. If they direct their ridicule at their host, they might not be hosted again in the future.
Or it could be that you take guests on a tour of your area. They might graciously relate some things you show them to similar sites where they live. Fair enough. Just trying to identify. But it might be over the line if they begin to go into such detail that it begins to sound as if they are guiding you through their stomping grounds rather than vice versa. I suppose it could even happen that you are showing them the campus of your alma mater, and they constantly redirect the focus of the conversation to a college in their town, maybe even without having any direct connection to it. That could take it to yet another level.
Sometimes guests mean well, bless their hearts, but don’t understand boundaries. I’ve heard of ones who see something in their host’s home that they somehow think needs their attention, maybe some adjustment or minor repair, and take it upon themselves to tackle the job — without a word of discussion with the host. If the offer is made, the host might welcome the help. On the other hand, you don’t mess with someone’s stuff without asking. And there may be some crucial background information of which the guest isn’t aware.
Just some general illustrations. You probably can imagine or maybe have witnessed others. Doing something similar to one or more of these for-instances could undercut our “pleases” and “thank yous.” A quote attributed to Ben Franklin says, “Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.” Sometimes the fish may outlast the guests.
Tag: trash talking
Alma Mater — Thoughts on team support and being true to one’s school
If I remember my Latin, “alma mater” means “beautiful mother.” In terms of where one went to school, I think we sometimes translate it as “foster mother” or maybe “nurturing mother.” In any case, the term connotes the special relationship with one’s school, esp. college.
A concept I sometimes have trouble explaining, especially to people who have “adopted” a team or teams from an institution they did not attend, is the difference between an alum and a mere fan. I have nothing against fans. Pulling for one team or the other is a big part of what makes sports exciting. However, I cheer for Tar Heel teams and want them to succeed, not so much because I am a fan, but because they represent the institution that was my home for four years as I evolved from a teenager into an adult. Yet the athletic programs of UNC (or UNC-CH, if you must) do not define my entire relationship with the University. Nor does my relationship with UNC, though significant, define my entire being.
I wear school colors when I attend games (just as I wear Hurricanes colors when I attend NHL games). At other times, when I happen to wear a light blue, it’s because that’s what came up in the rotation. And it likely is not Carolina blue. (That is a specific color on the Pantone chart, darker than your average light blue dress shirt. Similarly, the darker blue of a nearby institution is also specified on the chart and is lighter than Navy blue.) When I wear other colors, it’s for the same reason, not to make a statement. I drive a red car, not to show loyalty to the Hurricanes (or disloyalty to UNC), but simply because I like brightly-colored cars. So far as I know, no person or organization owns any color.
From time to time when someone learns I live in the Chapel Hill area, they assume that automatically means I am a UNC fan. I explain that there are people living here who went to various schools and pull for them. I go on to note that I am a UNC graduate and would be loyal to my alma mater wherever I lived. It’s not because I live here or, for that matter, because I once worked at UNC.
Some people seem to begin pushing their offspring toward their alma maters almost from birth. What we have tried to instill in our children is to find a college where they can have the kind of experience we did, wherever that might be. We even encouraged them not to go to UNC, but rather to get away from the place in which they had lived their entire lives to that point. Two ended up deciding on UNC. The reasons they decided to do so were compelling, but were not because of parental expectations.
It seems that the more loyalty one has to one’s own school, the less he/she needs to put down others’. That’s the “cheer for your team, not against the other” theory. I don’t think it builds up my alma mater to insult others. In fact, I think it may reflect badly on it.
I’m somewhat bemused by the individual who talks as if he/she thinks everyone should be fans of his/her team. What would it be like if everyone supported the same team? What would be the point in competition? Indeed, would there be any sports competition?
I know other people see things differently. This is just a brief outline of what I believe on this subject. I realize it means that I choose not to play some popular games (i.e., trash talking) others seem to enjoy. For that I do not apologize.
There are some places where you can get cut if you say something bad about someone’s mother. You won’t hear me say something bad about your alma mater, not however because I fear you will cut me, but simply out of respect. I hope others feel about their alma maters — especially undergrad, because that it such a formative time of one’s life — as I do about mine, regardless of where they live or work. I can’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t.
John B's blog 